Lie of the Imposter Complex #6: You Must Tell EVERYONE About This
I’ve noticed a trend.
If you compliment a woman-identified person on a dress she’s wearing, it’s pretty common that she’ll tell you that she got it on a HUGE sale…
But why do we need to know that the dress was on sale? The other person was (almost certainly) not complimenting the price tag.
I think it’s a small symptom of Lie #6 of the Imposter Complex (and we call it a complex, not imposter syndrome around these parts).
Lie #6 says that we must tell EVERYONE about this — this usually being something you feel like you have to come clean about so that everyone else knows that you know that you’re the Imposter.
Like… the price of your dress.
Sure, it’s fabulous and couture and looks like it was made for me — but I got it on sale.
OK, I got the award — but there weren’t many others competing.
Yes, I got a standing ovation — but I completely messed up the middle section of the speech.
How to recognize Lie #6
Hands up if you’ve ever actually said the words, “I don’t belong here” at a gathering.
Do you remember the look on everyone’s face? I know, it’s hard to remember because you blocked it from your mind, so certain are you that you were met with nods of disgust. But allow me to jog your memory: it was a curious blend of bemusement, incredulity, and perplexion.
Know why? Because they were too busy thinking that THEY didn’t belong here to even consider YOU not belonging here.
And let’s layer in this additional truth: Sometimes the greater culture conspires to make us feel that we don’t belong — especially if you’ve ever had the experience of being the only person who looks like you in the room. As my friend Staci Jordan Shelton says: “We share a common space but not a common experience.”
And…guess what? You still belong.
How Lie #6 might manifest for you
Depending on which of the six behavioural traits of the Imposter Complex you most often experience, you might find yourself blurting things out with Lie №6 because of different things:
If you’re a people-pleaser, you definitely want to put everyone at ease — which means you might go on a self-deprecating tirade to ensure that everyone knows how ordinary and impostery you actually are.
If you have leaky boundaries, you may find yourself getting sucked into other people’s put-down festivals; if they’re talking about how much of an imposter they are, you may feel the need to join in.
If you tend to compare, you’ll be the first to offer up your deficiencies, especially as compared to anybody else.
If you’re a perfectionist, you’ll be the first to notice those perceived imperfections, and may feel compelled to point them out to everybody else, too.
If you’re a procrastinator, you might tell everyone your reasons for procrastination (which seem very important and valid at the time…).
If you tend to diminish, well, this Lie will be super familiar to you, I bet, because you spend a great deal of time telling yourself — and maybe everyone else — where you fall short.
Before you call yourself out for being an Imposter (you’re not), pause and ask what is sitting underneath that impulse.
Ask yourself: “why am I sharing?”
Are you looking to connect? Are you seeking validation? Something else?
When you know, you will know what to do next.
That said, knowing when to name it or not requires nuance and discernment, to be sure. I have found utility in Brené Brown’s words: Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand your sacred ground.
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Originally published at http://tanyageisler.com on May 12, 2020.
